The Choice We Make

I know we had a massive argument last night, but I can’t remember what it was about.”

These were the words my deflated Senior Son uttered to me as I pulled into our driveway after a long day a few weeks ago. These words hit me right where they were supposed to and they hit pretty hard, but the pain made its point.

I understood the message loud and clear. My children are going to remember me shouting, but they are not going to remember what I was shouting about. They’ll remember the fight but not the cause or the content. So, I have the choice to shout or not, and I choose to stop shouting. I was pleased too when Ian Lillico confirmed this for me a few weeks ago in his presentation to us. It boils down to the atmosphere you wish to create in your home.

Ever since Senior Son threw his comment at me, I have been more mindful of the decisions I make when it comes to parenting my boys. I do not want to be perceived as a moaning, complaining, shouting mother. Yes – there are rules, but there are other things I have let go of because I know that shouting, fighting and moaning are not going to change the behavior of a tween. I want my boys to remember me for the important things… for the things that really do count in relationships and so I have to let go of some of the stuff that, in the big picture of who we really are, doesn’t count for much at all.

Eliminating the shouting, moaning and fighting forces you to come up with creative and calm solutions to bad behavior. I’m not going to blog about those, because I think each problem has its own solution and that depends on your parenting style. For me – when the clothes are left in a heap on the bathroom floor, I use them to quietly leave a heap on his bedroom floor. He laughs, I smirk…it’s over. I’m calm, he’s calm and he won’t remember me blowing up about something that he perceives to be totally insignificant.

Decide: Is it honestly something  worth moaning about? My decision is creating peace in the house and I like it. So does Senior Son. Maybe you will too…

This entry was posted in Dilemmas, Discipline Strategies, Inspiration, Kids, Life, Parenting Tips. Bookmark the permalink.

40 Responses to The Choice We Make

  1. GERALD says:

    Due to circumstances, I couldn’t pick up your last few “writings” – but your newest one is up to the high standard you yourself have set. You hit the nail right on the head re shouting and moaning…what is it all worth? Great message.

  2. Pingback: The Choice We Make | Teacher Mum

  3. So very true. They do remember the yelling, so it is important to use it sparingly if ever at all. Now, if I could just follow that advice…

  4. Robin says:

    I am really glad to have found your blog and REALLY enjoyed this post!

  5. Teacher says:

    Hmmmm….lots to think about Teacher mum. Maybe it is time for me to stop shouting. I think you are right. This is gonna be a hard one.

  6. Blane says:

    It is going to be so hard not to shout. I think I will have to drink some more red wine.

    • TeacherMum says:

      Actually – I thought it would be harder, but it is a mind set. And now Senior Son has read this blog post so I am sure he is going to keep me in control too!

  7. Princess Frog says:

    you have given me lots to think about. I think i need to re-evaluate some of my shouting. I once heard that all the kids here is blah blah blah – it is probably true.

  8. Grace says:

    Following you from the Get Wired Hop…sorry I’m late.

  9. Terri says:

    I’m going to apply this at home, I rarely shout but when I do it doesn’t get the point across when it comes to Abby. She’s hard headed ha, I need to stay calm and try to think of another way to get my point across.

  10. This a a GREAT post and very relevant to me as I have a tween and a teen… found you through the Social Parade and newly following. Would love you to come visit me… Orangies Attic

  11. Gina says:

    This post hit home for me. I’m struggling with this now and have been trying to become more mindful and peaceful when parenting. It’s amazing what the course correction does for the energy of the house. I recently told my son that, like I’m asking him to do with his younger sister, I have been trying to work on my reactions and anger. So we came up with a “code word” that we will use with each other when we feel like we might be boiling over. It’s a word we both think is hilarious, and so far, it’s worked really well at diffusing a situation. Plus, I think it makes him feel great that he can help monitor MOMMY as well.

    Following along from the vB blog hop!
    Gina
    http://www.totallyfullofit.com

    • TeacherMum says:

      Code words are great – I use them often but have never thought of using a humorous one…good idea Gina.

  12. Agapantha says:

    I must not shout. I must not shout. I must not shout. I must not shout. I must not…

  13. You do have much more control and authority over a situation when you remain calm, and others will follow, including your tweens even!;) Great post, and just stopping in from vB:)

  14. Dawn says:

    Thank you for following Army Wife and Mom. I’m your newest follower! Great post!

  15. This really hits home for me! I don’t have a teenager yet but I know what it feels like to be yelled at and all I could think about was “How can I avoid this?” Great article! this is useful for anyone – nobody likes to be yelled at.

    I already follow you, but just want to tell you how awesome you are!

    Twitter!
    Dallas Single Moms Facebook!
    Dallas Single Moms!

  16. I’m a yelling mom and I have been working so hard on stopping and I am trying not to lecture… You are right – the kids remember the yelling but they forget the “why” and many times I forget the why too.. or I look back and think – Was that really worth the yelling?? It never is – is it?
    Love to you
    Kelly
    I’ve Become My Mother
    I’ve Become My Mother facebook
    A Proud Member of Voice Boks!
    Come Visit My Blog and See How You Can Join A Year Long Hop!

  17. I’m came over to follow you from “I love my online friends blog hop”, but I can’t find your button. Let me know where it is and I’ll return. I look forward to your follow back.

    Cheers,
    Shanae
    My Blog

    • TeacherMum says:

      Hi Shanae
      Getting a button is on my “To Do” list but I have no idea where to begin working on one…watch this space though, as hopefully I can convince Husband to make me a button soon.
      In the meantime, you are welcome to subscribe to me via email and you will receive notification every time I make a new post.
      Thanks
      Teachermum

  18. Yet says:

    Thanks for the post! I’ll try it to my boys whew!!! That makes sense 🙂

  19. Michelle says:

    I love this post. Especially since I thought before I ever had kids, that I would never be that “Yelling” mom. But, boy do I yell sometimes! I still don’t want to be that yelling mom, but it’s so hard! When you are in the middle of whatever it is you’re about to yell about, it’s hard to step back, calm yourself down and go about it calmly. I will be trying harder though. Your blog looks very informative. Thanks for stopping by the S&R weekend hop. Have a great week!

  20. Pingback: How To Stop Yelling At Your Kids – Reader Suggestions!

  21. Cathy Turner says:

    Thank you for this post – I found it through Picklebums.
    I loved your point that everyone has a unique solution to the things that make them yell – no one-size fits all. Of course we all are helped by sharing and reading from each other, but in making it our own and applying ideas in our way, into our situation, is when the whole thing ‘works’ and all parties make progress.
    thisweekwiththekids.blogspot.com

  22. Cathy says:

    I’m guilty of shouting too much…my boys are 5, 4 and 1…and that’s not what I want them to remember. Thought-provoking post.

  23. Kathy says:

    I made a decision early in my parenting to not shout or act like a child myself. I believed that there were better choices to make. I also feel that if I’m shouting than I’m doing my job wrong. I have to say that I have done a pretty good job, not perfect, but pretty good. And, then, my son turned 12. Thank you, I really needed to read this today! And, he will be 13 in Dec, so I think I will bookmark this post!!! Thank you for sharing what you have learned!!!

  24. April says:

    I find the kids forget the reason for the argument a lot faster than we adults do. That’s a tough thing as well because we’re still hurting and they are back to business as usual. We have to remember they are still learning and growing and not hold onto those hurt feelings. You are right – shouting does no good. We have been trying to tone it down in our home too – it’s just disrupting.

    April

  25. Laura says:

    You’ve made a good choice not to shout or yell. I’ve never been one to yell or shout (it’s my personality), and because of that, my girls know they can come talk to me about anything & I won’t yell. Yes, I discipline if needed but not by yelling. Parents need to realize that their yelling just drives their kids away.

    Stopping by from VoiceBoks!

  26. Another wonderful article!

    Very true! I can’t remember HALF of what my mother and I ever argued about; but I do remember the feeling of when we were fighting. I remember when she shouted and I remembered when she held her temper and we were able to discuss through the disagreement. I remember more how I felt about myself in the situation. But I do not remember ANY of the words.

    When faced with these conflicts; you are very right that we have the choice. What will be remembered is the Emotional confrontation not the words. When you shout and yell at a child; all they remember is how it makes them feel.

    I know for me; when I’m yelled at; I feel very small and worthless. Is that the type of feeling we want our children feeling; especially when those feelings are coming from us; the ones that are suppose to love them the most?

    This is a great article that gives a lot to be thought about! And a great motivation to try to do better at holding our tongue and extending our love more.
    Thank you!
    I enjoyed visiting from VB’s Parent’s event.
    JadeLouise Designs

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